I am in this weird place in life right now. I’m stuck in between a place of hopelessness and pure optimism. It’s hard to explain. Day by Day my attitude and perspective on things are constantly fluctuating and changing. One day I am on top of the world, possibilities are endless. Other days, I am ready to throw the towel in and just say “OK, this is it, I guess.”. Days like today. I’m just like, “Shit has to get better”. Days like today. I need shit to get better. Then there’s the added “Well, what are you doing to make shit better?”, and the honest truth is nothing. Nothing, just complaining, moping, planning but never executing or going through with said made-up plans. I am doing nothing. And by doing nothing, I am settling.
Some days I feel like I’m living my biggest fear in life: SETTLING. Settling like my mother, settling like my father, or settling like every person on the 2-train heading to Wakefeild-241th street train station at 6 am, rushing to a fucking job they can not stand or even care about. Last night, I was on the phone with a potential bae when he asked “What’s your biggest fear in life?” and in that moment, that very moment, I realized I was living my biggest fear. My biggest fear in life is settling. Settling for a life I don’t really want. Which means settling for a bullshit job because it pays bills, or settling for a bullshit relationship because I refuse to be lonely. And guess what ya’ll?!….*whispering “what?”*. As I was telling future bae about my biggest fear in life, I realized, I was living my biggest fear. Here I am at 26 years old, settling for a bullshit life. Settling in a career I hate, settling with past men/relationships I was unhappy with or in, because I would rather that than to be lonely. Settling in friendships. Settling in almost everything honestly!
“What is your biggest fear in life?” I’m living it.
I have been teaching for the last four years, and each year I have made the same exact statements “I hate this shit”, “This is my last fucking years”, “Fuck this shit! I can’t save all the black babies.” (Ya’ll I try. Other people kids are alot -_-). Not only have I been settling in my career, but in my relationships; both romantic and platonic. I’ve just got out of a “situation”, a “long-term situation”….a “long-term-you-ran-with-it-over-stayed-your-stay-situation”, that lasted two whole years, which should have ended within the first week of it starting. However, I settled, because hmmm , well it was better than being lonely, he was my friend, I knew him, I was content, he made me laugh, the sex was better than no sex, new movie releases. At the time, I didn’t realize I was settling, but looking back now that’s exactly what I did. Out of comfort and habit, I stayed in a relationship where I felt unappreciated, not good enough, and like I was basically begging to be loved; but I stayed in it. I didn’t stay for a week, no not just 3 month, I stayed for TWO WHOLE FUCKING YEARS! And why?!
That is the question I find myself now asking myself, “Why do you settle?” And the answer, I’m a pussy. That’s it folks! I know why I settle in life, I settle because I am a fucking pussy. A sad-sad puss, that has allowed fear, doubt, and low-self esteem to control me. Control me enough that I could not see that I was living and walking down the same path of my mother, and her mother and her mother’s mother. Walking their past journeys of settling. Settling for worthless men, in bad marriages. Settling for mediocre jobs, because it gets your family by and pay the bills. Settling into the role of victim, and “why me” at 56-years old, because I did not make the conscious effort to change the things in my life that made me feel stuck and unhappy. Regardless. I’ve identified the problem, realized that there is a problem. And, now that I am aware and quite fed up with the problem. I need to do something about the problem, before I settle into the problem.
BAE: “So what are you going to do about your fear?”….I am going to check myself.
“I am going to check myself.” Gotta check myself when I realize, my back and Derrière have gotten tooo comfortable in my seat. Check myself when I realize I’m saying “yes” , when every fiber in my body is screaming “Oh, No Baby! What is you doing?” You don’t love that man, You don’t want that job, Ummm I said “Almond milk not Soy milk” (small, but a big fucking deal”). That’s it folks! That’s my Plan. Saying No. Saying Yes. Checking Myself. And most definitely NOT SETTLING!…..BITCHES!